Managing Expectations: A Guide for Parents on Setting Appropriate Expectations for Children

Image by @karlygomez by Unsplash

As parents, we want the best for our kids. We want them to grow into well-rounded individuals who can manage their feelings, behave appropriately, and take responsibility for their actions. However, it's important for parents to have realistic expectations of their children's emotional regulation and self-control skills.

 Developing Emotional Regulation in Kids:

Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise, understand, and handle one's own feelings effectively. It's a crucial skill that kids develop over time, and their emotional control improves as they grow. Even though kids may seem capable of logical thinking, their emotional regulation skills aren't fully developed until adolescence.

The limbic system, which controls emotional responses, develops earlier than the prefrontal cortex, which handles rational thinking and decision-making. So, it's important for parents to consider their child's emotional and cognitive development stage when expecting a certain behaviour or response. For example, toddlers and pre-schoolers are still learning how to identify and express their feelings. At this stage, they might have tantrums or be aggressive because they can't communicate effectively. It's important for parents to support and guide their kids through these challenges instead of expecting them to act like mature adults.

 As kids get older, their emotional regulation skills keep developing. But it's important to remember that each child progresses at their own pace. Some kids may need more time and guidance to develop self-control skills, while others may acquire these abilities naturally.

Setting Behaviour Expectations:

When setting behaviour expectations for kids, it's important for parents to consider their developmental stage and individual differences. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

 1. Be realistic: It's essential to set behaviour expectations that are appropriate for your child's age. For instance, expecting a three-year-old to sit quietly for a long time is unrealistic and can lead to frustration for both the child and the parent. Set specific and achievable goals that align with your child's current abilities.

 2. Communicate clear expectations: Clearly communicate what behaviours you expect from your child, but also explain why those behaviours are important. This helps kids understand the reasons behind the expectations and motivates them to follow them.

 3. Consistency is important: Kids thrive in environments with consistent rules and expectations. Establish consistent routines to help your child develop a sense of stability and understand that their actions have consequences.

 4. Focus on progress, not perfection: Instead of aiming for perfection, acknowledge and celebrate small improvements in your child's self-control development.

The Role of Parents' Own Emotional Regulation:

It's equally important for parents to understand and manage their own emotions effectively. Kids often learn by observing their parents' emotional reactions and behaviour. If parents struggle with their own emotional control, it can unintentionally impact their kids' behaviour.

Here are some strategies for parents to improve their own emotional regulation:

 1. Self-reflection: Take time to understand your own emotions and identify any patterns or triggers that may lead to emotional instability. Explore healthy coping mechanisms like deep breathing or writing in a journal to manage your emotions effectively.

 2. Seek support: It's completely normal for parents to experience stress and emotional challenges. Reach out to a support network of friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and help you navigate difficult emotions.

 3. Practice self-care: Prioritise your own well-being by engaging in activities that promote relaxation and stress reduction. Whether it's exercising, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing hobbies, taking care of yourself allows you to be more present and emotionally available for your kids.

Parenting has its challenges, but by having appropriate expectations for our children's behaviour and understanding their emotional regulation development, we can create a nurturing environment that encourages growth. Remember that every child is unique, and progress may take time.

Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace, and Samantha Pearce

Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist - With You Allied Health Directors