Helping Children Build Resilience After Setbacks
Image by Karim MANJRA @karim_manjra on Unsplash
Setbacks are an inevitable part of life, but for children, they can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s struggling with schoolwork, missing out on a sports team, or navigating friendship difficulties, these moments can shake their confidence. As parents and caregivers, it’s natural to want to shield children from disappointment, but the real gift is helping them develop resilience—the ability to bounce back from challenges and keep moving forward.
Resilience isn’t something children are born with; it’s a skill that can be nurtured. By providing the right support and strategies, we can help children develop the confidence and coping skills they need to face adversity with courage and adaptability.
Normalising Setbacks and Embracing Challenges
One of the most powerful ways to build resilience is to normalise setbacks as part of learning and growth. When children experience disappointment, they might interpret it as failure rather than a temporary obstacle. By reframing challenges as opportunities to learn, we help them shift their mindset.
Encouraging statements like, “I can see this is really tough, but every mistake helps us learn something new,” or, “It’s okay to feel disappointed, but what can we try next time?” reinforce the idea that setbacks are not the end of the road, but rather stepping stones towards success.
It also helps to model this behaviour ourselves. Children learn by observing, so when they see adults facing challenges with optimism and perseverance, they internalise those responses. Sharing personal stories about overcoming difficulties (in an age-appropriate way) can be a powerful teaching tool.
Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills
Resilience is about more than just bouncing back—it’s about bouncing forward with new skills and strategies. Teaching children problem-solving skills empowers them to take proactive steps when faced with difficulties.
Rather than immediately providing solutions, guide them through the process of problem-solving. Ask questions like, “What do you think could help?” or, “What’s another way to approach this?” This encourages them to think critically, consider different perspectives, and take ownership of their choices.
For younger children, visual tools like drawing a ‘solution ladder’—where they brainstorm steps towards a goal—can be helpful. Older children and adolescents may benefit from structured approaches such as pros and cons lists or breaking a problem into smaller, more manageable parts.
Teaching Emotional Regulation
Setbacks often trigger strong emotions—frustration, sadness, embarrassment, or anger. Helping children recognise, name, and manage these emotions is essential for resilience.
Practical strategies include:
Deep Breathing Techniques: Simple exercises like “balloon breathing” (slowly inflating and deflating an imaginary balloon) can help younger children calm down.
Mindfulness and Grounding Exercises: Techniques such as focusing on five things they can see, hear, or feel can help older children regulate overwhelming emotions.
Creating a Feelings Thermometer: Helping children rate their emotions from low to high can increase self-awareness and allow them to use coping strategies before reaching a crisis point.
Encouraging children to express their emotions in healthy ways—whether through talking, drawing, or physical activity—also helps them process feelings rather than suppress them.
Building a Growth Mindset
Resilience thrives in an environment where effort is valued over perfection. A growth mindset—the belief that abilities and intelligence can develop with effort—helps children view setbacks as temporary rather than defining.
Praise effort rather than outcome. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try, “I love how hard you worked on that.” This reinforces the idea that persistence and effort lead to progress.
Encourage self-reflection by asking, “What did you learn from this?” or, “What would you do differently next time?” This helps children focus on personal growth rather than feeling defined by success or failure.
Strengthening Support Networks
A strong support system is crucial for resilience. Children need to feel connected—to family, friends, teachers, and mentors—so they have a safe space to express their emotions and seek guidance.
Encourage positive relationships by fostering open communication and active listening. When children feel heard and understood, they are more likely to share their struggles and seek help when needed. Regular family check-ins or one-on-one time can create a sense of security and belonging.
Encouraging friendships and teamwork also builds resilience. Collaborative activities, group problem-solving, and team sports teach valuable lessons about cooperation, compromise, and perseverance.
Encouraging Self-Compassion and Positive Self-Talk
Children can be their own harshest critics. Teaching them to use kind and supportive self-talk can significantly impact how they navigate setbacks.
Help them challenge negative thoughts by asking, “Would you say that to a friend?” If the answer is no, encourage them to reframe their thinking in a more supportive way. For example, instead of “I’m terrible at this,” they could say, “I’m still learning, and I’ll get better with practice.”
Self-compassion also means recognising that everyone struggles at times. Normalising imperfection and self-kindness fosters confidence and resilience in the face of challenges.
Setbacks are tough, but they don’t have to define a child’s journey. By fostering resilience through problem-solving, emotional regulation, growth mindset, support networks, and self-compassion, we empower children to face life’s challenges with confidence and adaptability. The goal isn’t to eliminate hardship, but to equip children with the skills and mindset to navigate it with strength and optimism.
Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce
Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist - With You Allied Health Directors.