How To Build Resiliency For My Child
Children are designed by nature to teach themselves emotional resilience by playing in risky, emotion-inducing ways. Fear is the emotion humans experience when our amygdala is fired up to keep us safe. So, it makes sense as adults, we avoid fear and the negative experience anticipated. Yet, why do children seek to play in risky ways?
The simple answer is risky play is a perfect combination of joy, and freedom with just the right amount of fear to produce the exhilarating blend known as thrill. Children will often seek out this thrill through climbing (heights), swings and skates (rapid speed), swimming in deep water (elements), wrestling and chasing each other (rough and tumble), as well as hide and seek (disappearing/getting lost).
More importantly, risky play helps develop emotional regulation as one of the major functions of play is to teach children how to regulate fear and anger. This is accomplished through children engaging in play that allows them to manageable quantities of fear and practice keeping their cool (regulating) and behaving adaptively while experiencing the fear. Children learn they can manage their fear, overcome it and come out alive.
Sadly, children are engaging in less free, risky play in our current society, ostensibly out of adults trying to protect them from danger, but in the process, we set them up for meltdowns and avoidant behaviours.
So, what are the benefits of providing space for children to engage in play that involves risk-taking?
Develop emotional regulation skills
Increase resiliency
Learn to approach rather than avoid anxiety-evoking situations
Learn to ask for help from a safe adult when needed
How to support children in risk play
Play to be safe must be free play, not coerced, managed or pushed by adults
Children are very good at knowing their own capacities and avoiding risks they are not ready to take, either physically or emotionally
They must not pressure or encourage children to take risks they aren’t ready for because if the challenge is too great, the child may experience shame.
We trust the child to know how to dose themselves with the right amount of fear, for them and for this to occur, the child must be in charge of their own play.
What have been your experiences and observations concerning children’s risky play?
How did you play as a child?
How do your children play?
Do you allow your children to play freely in ways that allow your child to explore fear and risks?
If so, how do you deal with the social pressure against it?