Raising Confident Individuals: How to Nurture Your Child Without Creating a People Pleaser

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 As parents, we all want the best for our children, and it's only natural to want them to be liked and respected by others. However, sometimes our efforts to please others can inadvertently turn our little ones into lifelong people pleasers. While it may seem harmless at first, creating a people pleaser can have detrimental long-term effects on their emotional well-being, self-esteem, and relationships.

1. Nurture a Healthy Sense of Self:

One of the primary causes of people-pleasing behaviour is a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. To combat this, it's vital to help your child develop a healthy sense of self from an early age. Encourage them to embrace their unique qualities, talents, and interests. By fostering a strong sense of self, your child will grow up understanding that their worth does not depend on others' validation.

2. Embrace Imperfections:

No one is perfect, and it's crucial to transmit this understanding to our children. Fear of failure often drives people-pleasing behaviour. Help your child appreciate their strengths and accept their weaknesses without judgment. Teach them that making mistakes is a natural part of growth and learning, and provide them with opportunities to problem-solve and develop resilience. Encourage them to embrace challenges, take risks, and understand that failure is not a reflection of their worth. This mindset will help them develop resilience, independence, and the self-assurance to pursue their own goals.

3. Teach Assertive Communication:

Communication skills play a crucial role in avoiding people-pleasing behaviours. Teach your child the art of assertive communication, which involves expressing their thoughts, feelings, and preferences respectfully and confidently. Encourage them to share their opinions, even if they differ from others', promoting the idea that their views are valid and worthy of consideration.

4. Encourage Decision-Making:

Allow your child to make age-appropriate decisions from an early age. Be their guide as they navigate choices, explaining the potential consequences of each option. By fostering decision-making skills, children learn to trust their judgment and become more confident in making choices that align with their own desires and values.

5. Emphasise Self-care and Boundaries:

Explaining the importance of self-care and setting boundaries is crucial to protect your child from becoming overwhelmed by others' demands. Teach them that it's alright to prioritise their well-being and say 'no' when appropriate. By demonstrating self-care and healthy boundaries yourself, you lead by example.

6. Model Healthy Relationships:

As parents, we play a significant role in shaping our children's behaviour. Ensure your own relationships with others reflect healthy boundaries, effective communication, and mutual respect. By demonstrating this, you foster a positive environment that encourages your child to value their own needs and assert themselves authentically.

7. Promote Healthy Competitiveness:

Healthy competition can be beneficial for your child's development, resilience, and motivation. Encourage them to participate in competitive activities where balanced effort, skill-building, personal growth, and collaboration are valued over winning alone (Coll et al., 2019). This will help them understand that their self-worth is not solely dependent on external validation.

Now that you have some practical tips to avoid creating a people pleaser in your child, it's time to put them into action. Remember, it's a gradual process, and consistency is key. Keep building your child's self-esteem, encouraging assertiveness, and modelling healthy relationships. Together, let's raise confident individuals who can navigate the world with authenticity and self-assurance.

Authors: Stephanie Mace, Brodi Killen, and Samantha Pearce; Educational and Developmental Psychologists - With You Allied Health Directors.