The Importance of Children Being Exposed to Reasonable Levels of Distress
As parents and caregivers, we naturally want to shield children from any pain or discomfort. The instinct to protect them from emotional hardship is powerful. However, as much as we wish to create a stress-free world for our children, it’s essential to understand that experiencing reasonable levels of distress is a crucial part of their emotional and psychological development.
While it may be hard to watch your child navigate through disappointment, frustration, or sadness, these experiences are valuable. Allowing children to face distress, within safe and manageable boundaries, helps build their resilience, develop problem-solving skills, and teaches them how to regulate emotions effectively.
Why Should Children Be Exposed to Distress?
Distress, in reasonable doses, is a natural part of life. Shielding children from every form of emotional discomfort may seem protective in the short term, but it can hinder their ability to cope with future challenges. Here’s why exposure to distress is vital for their growth:
Building Resilience
Resilience is the ability to recover from setbacks and adapt to difficult situations. When children are exposed to reasonable levels of distress, they learn that uncomfortable feelings are temporary and that they have the capacity to overcome challenges. Without these experiences, children may struggle to handle disappointment or failure as they get older. Helping them face and navigate distress fosters their ability to bounce back from adversity.
Developing Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy way. By experiencing distress, children learn to identify and name their emotions, process those feelings, and work through them. If they are never allowed to face emotional discomfort, they miss the opportunity to develop these important skills. Over time, children exposed to manageable challenges learn to stay calm, manage frustration, and avoid being overwhelmed by their emotions.
Enhancing Problem-Solving Skills
Distress often arises from situations where something hasn’t gone as planned. Whether it’s losing a game, struggling with a school project, or dealing with a friend’s disagreement, these moments present an opportunity for children to think critically and find solutions. When children face mild distress, they can practise problem-solving, which will help them become more independent thinkers. Encouraging children to work through their issues builds their confidence and competence.
Fostering Empathy
Experiencing distress helps children develop empathy for others. When they understand what it feels like to be sad, disappointed, or frustrated, they become more attuned to the emotions of those around them. Children who have experienced some distress are more likely to show compassion towards their peers and build meaningful, supportive relationships.
Promoting a Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through effort, perseverance, and learning from mistakes. When children are exposed to reasonable distress, they learn that challenges are opportunities to grow. This helps them view setbacks as temporary obstacles rather than permanent failures. They become more willing to try new things and push beyond their comfort zones, which is key to personal development.
How to Support Children Through Distress
While it’s important for children to experience distress, the way we support them during these times is just as crucial. Here are some strategies for helping children navigate distress in a healthy and supportive way:
Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings
When a child is upset, it’s important to acknowledge their emotions rather than dismiss or minimise them. Simple phrases like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated,” or “It’s okay to feel sad about this,” show them that their emotions are valid and normal. Validating their feelings helps them understand that distress is a natural part of life and encourages emotional self-awareness.
Provide Guidance Without Taking Over
When children face distress, it’s tempting to jump in and fix the problem for them. While offering comfort and support is important, stepping in too quickly can take away their chance to develop problem-solving skills. Instead, guide them by asking questions like, “What do you think we could try next?” or “How can we work through this together?” This empowers children to find solutions while knowing they have your support.
Model Healthy Coping Strategies
Children learn by observing the adults around them. If you manage your own stress and distress in healthy ways, they’re more likely to adopt similar strategies. When you face a frustrating situation, talk openly about how you’re feeling and demonstrate how you manage those emotions. Whether it’s taking deep breaths, going for a walk, or talking through the problem, showing children how to handle distress sets a positive example.
Gradually Increase Challenges
Start by allowing children to face smaller, age-appropriate challenges. For example, you might let them work through a disagreement with a friend, complete a difficult puzzle, or cope with a minor disappointment like losing a game. As they grow, gradually increase the complexity of the challenges they face. This approach helps them build confidence and resilience without overwhelming them.
Create a Safe and Supportive Environment
While exposure to distress is important, it’s equally vital to ensure that children feel safe and supported during these experiences. Provide reassurance that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that you’re there to help them through it. A nurturing environment gives children the security they need to take on challenges without fear of harsh judgement or failure.
Exposing children to reasonable levels of distress is essential for their emotional, social, and cognitive development. These experiences help build resilience, enhance problem-solving skills, foster empathy, and promote a growth mindset. As parents and caregivers, it’s important to offer guidance and support while giving children the space to navigate their feelings and challenges. By doing so, we equip them with the tools they need to face life’s inevitable ups and downs with confidence and resilience.
Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce
Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist - With You Allied Health Directors