Why is it so Hard as a Parent to Set and Maintain Boundaries?

Image by Annie Spratt@anniespratt on Unsplash

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles in life. From the moment your child is born, you want to do everything possible to nurture them, protect them, and guide them towards becoming capable, independent adults. But amidst all the love and care, comes the tricky job of setting and maintaining boundaries. It seems simple in theory, but in practice, many parents find this task incredibly difficult. So why is it so hard to set boundaries, and how can you overcome this challenge?

Why Setting Boundaries Feels Difficult

Emotional Attachment

Parenting involves a deep emotional connection with your child. It's natural to want to make them happy and protect them from any form of discomfort. However, boundaries often come with short-term frustration or disappointment for your child, and as a parent, it’s easy to feel guilty about this. The thought of your child being upset with you can create a lot of internal conflict, making it hard to stay firm.

Fear of Conflict

Children, especially as they grow older, may push back against boundaries. They may argue, negotiate, or even throw tantrums to get their way. This kind of behaviour can create conflict in the household, something many parents want to avoid at all costs. As a result, some parents may loosen boundaries just to keep the peace, which in the long run can undermine the boundary-setting process altogether.

Uncertainty About What’s Fair

Many parents struggle with knowing how strict or lenient to be. Modern parenting advice varies widely, with some emphasising structure and discipline, while others advocate for freedom and flexibility. In a world of conflicting information, it’s easy to feel uncertain about whether the boundaries you’re setting are too harsh or too soft.

Fear of Being the “Bad Guy”

Setting boundaries often means saying no, and no one likes to be the bad guy. It can be hard to balance being loving and supportive with enforcing rules that your child may not like. Parents often fear that by setting limits, they’ll strain their relationship with their children, making them less approachable.

Why Boundaries Are Important

Despite these challenges, setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial for a child's development. Clear boundaries provide a sense of security and predictability. Children thrive when they know what to expect and understand that certain behaviours have consequences. Without boundaries, children may struggle to develop self-discipline, respect for others, and an understanding of limits—all of which are essential skills for adulthood.

Moreover, boundaries help protect children from potential dangers, both physical and emotional. Whether it’s limiting screen time or setting rules about bedtime, these boundaries are there to keep your child safe and healthy.

Tips for Parents on Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Be Consistent

Consistency is key when it comes to boundaries. If you enforce a rule one day and then allow your child to break it the next, they’ll quickly learn that boundaries aren’t fixed and can be negotiated. Consistency helps reinforce the importance of the boundary and builds trust between you and your child, as they learn to rely on the structure you provide.

Explain the Reasoning

Children are more likely to respect boundaries when they understand the reasons behind them. Instead of simply saying “because I said so,” take a moment to explain why the rule exists. For example, “We turn off the TV at 8 pm because you need enough sleep to feel good in the morning.” This not only helps your child understand the rule but also fosters critical thinking.

Anticipate Pushback

It’s normal for children to push back when they encounter boundaries. They may argue, negotiate, or show frustration. As a parent, it’s important to anticipate this and remain calm. Reacting emotionally to their resistance can escalate the situation. Stay firm but empathetic, and acknowledge their feelings while maintaining the boundary. For example, “I understand you’re upset that you can’t go to your friend’s house tonight, but the rule is that we do homework first.”

Model the Behaviour You Want to See

Children often learn more from what they observe than what they’re told. If you expect your child to follow certain boundaries, be sure you’re modelling those behaviours yourself. For instance, if you have rules about phone usage during family time, ensure that you’re also putting your phone away to give your full attention to your child.

Offer Choices Within Limits

Giving children a sense of autonomy can reduce power struggles and make it easier to enforce boundaries. Try offering choices within the boundaries you set. For example, “You need to do your homework before dinner, but you can choose whether to do maths or English first.” This way, your child feels they have some control, but the boundary remains intact.

Create Positive Reinforcement

Rewarding positive behaviour can help reinforce boundaries. When your child respects a boundary without resistance, praise their efforts or offer small rewards. Positive reinforcement doesn’t have to be extravagant—it could be extra playtime, a special snack, or even just words of encouragement like, “I really appreciate how well you followed the rule today.”

Reassess and Adjust as Needed

Boundaries are not set in stone. As your child grows and their needs evolve, it’s important to reassess and adjust boundaries accordingly. What was necessary when they were six may no longer be appropriate at nine. Regularly evaluate your rules to ensure they’re still relevant and fair.

Setting and maintaining boundaries as a parent can be difficult, but it’s an essential part of raising healthy, well-adjusted children. While it may feel uncomfortable at times, remember that boundaries provide a framework that helps children feel secure, develop self-discipline, and learn important life skills. With patience, consistency, and empathy, you can establish boundaries that support your child’s growth and well-being.

Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce

Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist - With You Allied Health Directors