Taming Tantrums: What to Say When a Child is Experiencing a Meltdown

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It is common for children to experience meltdowns of varying intensity. While meltdowns can feel like overwhelming situations for parents and caregivers, research suggests that there are finely tuned interventions that can help these situations. In this blog post, we’ll provide information and tips on how to respond to a child who is in a meltdown.

While the term meltdown has a negative connotation, it’s important to remember those meltdowns can be seen as an outward sign of distress that points to an underlying need that isn’t being met in the moment. In other words, a meltdown isn’t necessarily a sign of bad behaviour; it’s a sign that your child is overwhelmed and needs your help to understand and soothe their emotions faster.

Before we jump into the strategies around responding to a child in meltdown, it’s important to note that a key part of being able to effectively understand and handle the situation requires that parents also be in an emotionally regulated state – so your first step should be to take a moment to pause and check in with your own emotional state.

Research suggests that effective responding skills are vital for helping with a child’s development and that “the ability of [caregivers] to respond gently, accurately, and sensitively to their children’s needs is one of the most important influences on child health and wellbeing” (VAN, 2018). For parents and caregivers, a key part of responding to a child in meltdown is reading the situation and different nuances in the environment.

As noted in a recent post on attachment, parents can use cues from their child and the environment to decipher what the child may need or may be feeling. Once identified, this enables the caregiver to tailor their response better so that it is optimised to help the child.

Responding to a child in meltdown

When responding to a child in meltdown, it is important to remember that the main goal is to help guide and support your child in understanding and calming their intense emotions. A few strategies that may be helpful in this regard include:

1. Allow emotions to happen, while setting boundaries - When a child is in meltdown, it is important to provide space/time/permission for them to experience their emotions without judgement or expectations. Try to remain calm and avoid responding by punishing or controlling behaviour, as research suggests that this can lead to an increase in presenting behaviours (VAN, 2018). While in the moment, it is still important to maintain boundaries in line with your family rules and expectations.

2. Use calm and compassionate language - When responding to your child, use compassionate language that helps to make connections between what the child is feeling and needs. This can help foster a sense of safety, understanding, and intimacy between parent and child, which can help sooth intense emotions.

3. Make time to reflect and reconnect - Research suggests that “responsive interactions between children and parents, including feeling connected, comforted and emotionally validated, can help to reduce the intensity of intense emotional states” (VAN, 2018).

After the meltdown has passed, it can be helpful to make time to sit down with your child to discuss feelings, understand what might have happened before, and build understanding in in a safe environment. It’s important to remember that it isn’t about finding a “trigger”, as often what just happened may have been the final straw. Often in the neurodiverse population, it is a build up of stressors that have built up, and a lack of emotional energy left in the tank to positively cope. And we say positively cope, as a meltdown actually is coping! It just isn’t the most helpful at the time.

At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone and that you’re not a bad parent for not knowing how to handle a meltdown situation. To help give you additional tools and support in responding to children in difficult moments, consider speaking to a professional such a psychologist about further skills that can help you and your child through this journey. Remember this is a difficult situation for any parent or caregiver to navigate, so reach out for additional support and assistance when it is needed.

Author: Stephanie Mace, Brodi Killen and Samantha Pearce – Psychologists - With You Allied Health Director.

References VAN. (2018). Guide to Responding to and Understanding Emotional Development in Young Children. Retrieved from https://www.van.org.au/wp-content/uploads/guide-to-understanding-emotional-development-2018.pdf